parenting your anxiety

As I walked to my favorite little coffee shop on my lunch break I caught some of my self talk. It clearly had themes of anxiety. Feeling all the people’s energies around me. Overly concerned about my puppy’s walking behavior. Did I do the thing today? How am I going to afford this and that? My worry web started to get tangley.

Predictablely, I stated doing my therapist thing of getting curious. Going through the basic checklist of wellbeing. How was my sleep, did I eat today, I’m getting a bit of movement now, am I lonely. The same way I checklist my kids when they start showing their anxiety through their behavior - on the outside.

I realized I very much treat my anxiety with the same techniques and love that I show my children. I nurture it, get curious and have clear boundaries. I parent my anxiety.

Freud and I on our walk

You want to give it a try?

Checklist your anxiety

• How’d you sleep?

• Have you eaten?

• How about caffeine intake?

• Any movement?

• Are you lonely?

Nurture your anxiety

• How is your anxiety trying to protect you?

• What messages are they trying to communicate?

• What do you appreciate about the way your anxiety is trying to help?

• What does this say about you as a person? [probably that you care a lot]

Clear boundaries

• No avoiding

• We have a worry window from this time to this time

• Lean into the discomfort “I can handle this”

What this inside conversation might look like

I see you Anxiety, trying to work hard for me - thank you. I appreciate that you want great things for me. You’re scanning for danger and helping me stay focused on goals. You’re pretty great. I’m curious what’s going on right now for you because you’re outside our worry window. I need you to reset. I’m going to regulate my nervous system and I need you take a nap my love. We will talk about this tonight when I journal dump after dinner.

Regulating the nervous system

This will look different for all of us and our unique nervous systems. My system likes tapping, foam soap hand wash and lavender peppermint lotion, muscle tensing, rubbing hand together to generate heat and hold them to my eyes, and a nice ear pull. What does your nervous system enjoy?

Heart Whispers and Messy Painful Parent Growth

It seems like my kids are constantly teething.  

As I forgo my own sleep to comfort my daughter and her 4 huge molars tonight it has me reflecting on growth. And the pain that's inevitable.

Growing pains. Ugh. 

Not just for children.  

It is my belief that to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life (the kind with no regrets on your deathbed) we have to consciously grow. 

But... growth includes pain.

And we (I) don't want to feel pain.  

So we try to push the pain away with potentially harmful coping skills. Things like alcohol, sugar, sex, exercise, ridgid to-do lists etc. AKA my college experience. 19 units, bartending and so. much. drinking. 

However, the calling for growth doesn't go away. It's like that damn Sam I Am dude. Nagging at us. Many times in the form of a gentle whisper from your heart "I think it's time - are you ready?". 

Finally, for me, being arrested for being drunk in public at a concert; snapped me back into my life. The painful experience was one of my catalyst to grow and FEEL in the moment. Ugh. :) 

If your heart whispers are growing stronger I want to personally invite you to my next transformation shindig.

Stressed to Zen in 6 months. 

Inspired by desperate parents emailing me as they embark on the dreaded distance learning. Which of course I see as a gift because hello growth and pain.          

Registration will open August 28th 2020

Your quick inspired action will be rewarded:

• Early bird discount

• Mailed to you goodies to kickstart your journey

• Extra connection time with inspired parents on FB

xoxoxo

Join my email club for more love in your inbox

Coronavirus: ways to help our children

These are strange times, no question. We’re collectively experiencing a trauma. While there is much to worry and complain about, at the same time there’s much opportunity for connection, rest and growth.

I was asked to do an interview with CBS about ways to support kids in this climate. The story was hijacked by Newsom’s announcement that schools would likely be closed until the Fall. That showbiz folx. You can see the story here if you’re interested. Silverlining is I was able to get clear on how to help. Here’s my $.02.

Your children likely feel stressed and anxious right now. You likely feel the same.

Do your best to manage this. If you need help, reach. We’re all in this together. I am offering a twice a month online support group after the kids go to sleep, or pretend to be sleeping that is; on Monday nights. With our messy hair and messy homes and messy lives. We’ll gather connect and lean on one another. If you’re experiencing a financial hardship we will work it out. You can sign up here.

When we are experiencing stress and anxiety we pass it to our kids in strange ways. We might have very little patience and explode a bit, try to control too much, or zone out on our phones. If you need it, here’s some permission to be human and give yourself a some grace. Do your best. Repair when you mess up. Remind your child that they’re good people and doing a good job, and this is hard.

When talking with them about this pandemic it’s a good idea to protect them from too much grown up information. Keep it factual and simple reassuring them that they’re safe and the grownups are handling this (fake it till you make it, if you have to).

Give them some control. Doesn’t it feel good to at least feel like some things are in your control? Share some of that power with your children. Empower them to fight back by washing hands and building their immune systems. Allow for many small choices throughout the day. Other ideas are to have your child be responsible for preparing meals or helping out with chores.

Rhythm, PLAY, ART and SNUGGLES! This is your magic recipe for maintaining your child’s mental health.

You are not alone in this. Some moments may feel like you are but you’re not. If we learn only one thing from this let it be how interconnected we truly are. Please reach out to me and join my group if you feel called. There are also many child and family therapist ready to help you and your family with online sessions. Give me a call if you’re needing a session.

You’re doing a good job.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Get alllllll the oxytocin

Quick Recap: 5 tips to help your kid during the coronavirus pandemic

1. Manage your own stress and anxiety - it’s highly contagious. Join my online parent support group

2. Give only age-appropriate facts. Keep the scary stuff and media coverage away. 

• Coronavirus is new for humans. The immune system inside of vulnerable people, like grandparents or people who are sick can have a hard time. 

• Healthy grown ups and kids (like you ;) have strong immune systems that are able to fight off this virus.

• We are staying home now to protect our whole community especially our vulnerable members. 

3. Give kids some control

• Protection: washing hands playfully together 

• Immune building: veggies, fruit, so much water and sleep, exercise 

• Choices throughout the day

4. Create safety with a playful daily rhythm and many words of affirmation 

• TONS of free play and art - this is how kids process trauma

• TONS of outside time and movement 

• TONS of snuggles 

• Connect with community (facetime, marco polo, games) 

• Mindfulness 

5. If anxiety and stress get too big get some support! There are ingenious therapists and child therapists excited to help you online. 

Art heals

Tween Life

A little encouragement for you if you're raising tweens especially in Sacramento. Are you baffled by your tween sometimes? One day she's your little angel, just the way you remember her. Craving your wisdom and cuddles. The next, she's a slightly rude emotional alien and it feels like you've never met her before. Sometimes it feels like you're walking on landmines trying not to set her off.

Most likely, it's all normal. Tweens are made to be a bit difficult. Their brains are rapidly developing. Hormones are flooding their systems. The quest for independence starts to bloom (and at the same time it's hard to let go of childhood). Social circles are becoming more important than life itself. These factors and other makes this a confusing time for caregivers and tweens.

These years can also be magical. The world is their oyster, afterall. There are stages your tween has to go through to shed childhood, try on many identities and transition to adulthood. A beautiful metaphor I often use in my Sacramento child therapy practice that I've stolen from Lisa Damour, from her book Untangled (highly recommend) is that you the parent are like the wall surrounding a swimming pool. Your tween is the swimmer. The water is the rest of the world. Your swimmer has to experiment and test out the world as an adult. This often means pushing you away (or kicking off of you to jet off into the water). At the same time your swimmer needs a safe place to land, rest and recuperate. Luckily, you're strong and you can handle it. Hang in there!

If you could use a "lifeguard" in Sacramento I'm running two art therapy groups in June. Sign up today and together we'll create a stronger swimmer. The struggle is real. Keep ya head up. 
 

Anxious Sacramento Child Therapist Shares 5 Ways to Ease Anxiety

Have you ever experienced anxiety? Gah! Me too. It's like the annoying friend at the end of a party that can’t seem to take a hint and go home.  

Anxiety in our modern lives can highjack our brains and bodies. I see children and teens in my Sacramento child therapy practice that have anxiety symptoms that can disrupt their lives. These families have one thing in common, they want it gone. 

Here’s the problem with that, it’s never going to leave. Plus, (unfortunately) we need it. Well, we need a little bit of it. It helps keep us safe. It becomes a problem, however, when we experience too much anxiety and there is no real threat. 

A tiny history lesson

Back in the day (like waaaaaaay back in the day, think cavepeople times) our anxiety system was awesome! It let us know when we were in danger. It’s a trigger happy system that alerts us of real and perceived danger. Our brain automatically kickstarts an internal alert system. This helps our body get ready for fight/flight/freeze. This is super helpful in cases when we were going to be eaten by a sabertooth tiger. 

How it works in a nutshell

In response to the danger our brain sends out an alert to out body by shutting down unnecessary functions. In a split second our survival instinct assesses the situation and prepares to either fight off the danger, run away from the danger, or in rare cases play dead. We experience this as tightened muscles, upset stomach, tunnel vision, rapid heartbeat, sweaty armpits, change in breathing, and loss of rational thought. What an amazing and intuitive system, right!? Back in the day it was such an asset and helped keep our species alive all these years. Yay brian!  

#Moderndayproblems

As we evolved over time our brain kept this old school alert system. As you know, our world has drastically changed since then. We have modern day stress factors like deadlines, homework, appointments, facebook, tests, traffic, sibling issues, bullies, public speaking, long Starbuck's line, mortgage payments, and on and on. These modern day issues trigger the same response system in our brains and bodies. The amygdala doesn't differentiate modern day stress from life threatening sabertooth tigers. 

Our kids and teens are experiencing the same stuff. It’s part of the human condition. It’s not going to go away but we can manage it more efficiently. Here are 5 ways to get your brain back online when you or a family member is experiencing anxiety.  

 

5 Ways To Get Your Brain & Body Back

 

1. Make some art! I am an art psychotherapist and as such, art will usually be my go to recommendation. Because art is amazing and helps to regulate our brains. You don’t need to be an “artist” or have ANY artistic training or ability. You just move color around on paper or whatever medium you have around. That's it. And it’s super calming. I like to make big lines and scribbles or if I’m feeling fancy I love zentangels. Sure, you can use your adult coloring books too, but, you could also use a bar napkin and a pencil. Don’t get to precious about it just create something. 

2. Phone apps. Sure, I’m pretty anti-screen time for kids… but I’m also a huge fan of go with what works. Simple and effective are nice too. There are some great apps that are super calming. I’ll list a few for the different devices. Bloom, Colorfy, Namaste - Calm Down (my fave), Healing Buddies Comfort Kit, and Breathing Bubbles. If you or your child is on the spectrum there are Autism Apps: Forge Of Neon, Fluidity, & Pocket Pond.  
3. Tapping. If you are new to tapping it’s going to seem a little strange. But, give it a try. Tapping is also called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). It’s tapping on an energy meridian and using cognitive affirming phrases to help you get grounded. Here is a Youtube video to get you started. 
4. Gratitude. You want to dramatically change your life? Start practicing gratitude. I use an app called Gratitude on iphone. I’m a visual person so I love that I can capture loveliness around me that I feel incredibly thankful for. You could journal it too. Do whatever feels good - just do it! If this is a new concept for you think small and big. Example “I’m grateful for clean drinking water” or “I’m grateful to have a roof over my head”. It can literally be anything. I would make a goal of 5ish a day. It’s a beautiful way to reflect on all the good in your life. 
5. Breathe. Slow down. Create points into your day for a mindfulness check. Tune into your body. Are you in fight/flight/freeze mode? You can start to transform it by slowing down your breath. Don’t discount this one because it’s so easy. This is by far the most powerful technique I have to offer.  

 If we take this to the most basic level: slow down and breathe. You got this! If you need extra support gimme a call 916-572-7623

To your greatness, 

R 

Mindfulness For the Rest Of Us

Mindfulness For the Rest Of Us 

There’s a good chance you’ve heard of the word mindfulness. It’s thrown around all over the place. I met an awesome parent recently who has not heard of the term before. As we started talking they immediatelyassociated it with buddhist monks chanting. Certainly that’s part of it, but, that’s not where we’re going today. To break it down to the simplest explanation mindfulness is slowing down and paying attention.

We can ALL learn how to slow down and pay attention. Yes, my anxious, mind-wandering-a-million-miles-per-second, to-do listing friend, even you. 

The most basic and powerful mindfulness practice you can start at this very moment is to simply notice your breath. 

Once you get a sense for what your breath is doing Ask yourself these 2 questions without judgement: 

1. What is the rhythm or quality of my breath? 
2. What sensations do I feel? 

Example: 

1. Rhythm/Quality: Choppy, slow and then fast, I hold it at the top
2. Sensations: I feel the wind going out of my nose gently caressing my nose hairs, the slight tickle as the air brushes the top of my lip. My lungs are expanding and deflating. My shirt delicately grazing my skin underneath.     

That’s it. How did you do? Do you feel any differently after taking the space to slow down and pay attention? Mindfulness has the potential to ease suffering in many areas of our modern lives.

If you're intrigued and ready to dig a little deeper I'd love to share an app that's great for newbies without a lot of fluff. It’s called Headspace. The first 10 days are free. They go into detail the process of simply setting up a practice and the science of why in the world this is good for us.  

4 ways to include your kids in the mindfulness fun

1. Have everyone close their eyes. Ring a bell and keep eyes closed until the sound stops. 
2. Lay on the ground and place something small on your belly. Watch how it rises and falls. 
3. Feel your chest for your heartbeat. Then everyone run, dance, jump, spin, and feel your heartbeat again. Notice the difference. Then take your favorite calming yoga pose (mine’s child’s pose) and observe the heartbeat slowing down. 
4. Change your breath. Inhale fast 6 times like a bunny through your nose. Then exhale the same way. Switch it up to long exhale through your mouth like blowing out birthday candles. Then inhale through your nose like you're smelling a lovely rose.   

To your greatness!!!! 

Love, 

R

The D-Word Sacramento Child Therapist's Take on Divorce

About 50% of us do it. We know the odds when we enter into the agreement, but, we do it anyway. We are romantics at heart and lovers of love. We first find love, then get married, then have a baby in the baby carriage. Well, in some sort of order, anyways, we end up coupled with kids. But then a lot of us grow out of that romantic relationship and decide to leave it. 

We start to try on the D-word. We agonize over the decision. We might share the details with a very select few people that won't react too strongly. Or sometimes the D-word is thrown on us and we're left stunned. However you have come to divorce you're here. I want to be the first to congratulate you. I know it was not easy and I also know that you're going to be ok.

You want to make the most peaceful choices possible. For better or worse you created a child with this person. They will be in your life for a long time regardless of how you choose to show up. You can attach to the victim role or you can take some responsibility for the part you played in the demise of your relationship. You can make the necessary steps to start to heal and grow. You can choose to empower yourself and find inner peace for yourself, your children and your coparent. 

You can choose to honor the love that once was.  Honor the person that you share this sacred role and responsibility with. You can choose to do divorce differently. In the 50s, as a society, we just didn't divorce. We stayed in unhappy marriages. Our parents divorced terribly. Leaving us to mend our feelings of abandonment and unloveableness on our own or even worse we were instructed verbally or nonverbally to "suck it up".   

We can do SO MUCH BETTER for our children. We get to consciously make moves to respect our coparent and children. We get to fast track the healing process and not wait for time to heal our wounds. We get to show our children that no matter what, they are lovable and our family only expands and transforms into more love and belonging. 

We get to get out of our own way and mindfully unMarry. In fact, Majica from Midtown Art Therapy and I are creating a workshop for parents here in Sacramento that want to do just that.

Maybe you don't need a workshop though. Maybe you can start out by reading the book Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward Thomas, available on Audible too. You can do the work on your own, with your coparent, with a therapist. But whatever you choose... do the work!! 

You're children are worth it.

Another awesome place to start if you need community is a free Facebook support group and you can always reach out to me personally. 

To your greatness!! 

Love, 

R

Creating Rhythm in Your Home for Increased Peace

Creating Rhythm in Your Home for Increased Peace 

Our whole world is ruled and regulated by rhythm. The solar, lunar, seasons, circadian, menstrual, human lifespan, and on and on. One very simple way to increase the sense of safety and peace in your home is to create predictable rhythm for your children. If your child is highly sensitive creating a rhythm is even more important.  

Simple rhythm is not only grounding for your child it’s also a beautiful way for you to unwind and take some of the pressure of yourself. Sometimes life gets to overwhelming and over scheduled that we miss the point of the pleasure that comes with raising children. So much doing gets in the way of showing up and being present. Creating a predictable rhythm and ritual will provide built in mindful moments for your whole family to pause and breath. 

I see a lot of children in my Sacramento Child Therapy office for behavior problems or extreme impulse control or self regulation issues. In my intake paperwork one question I ask parents to ask their children is “my life would be perfect if…” Almost all children respond in one way or another “more time with my family”. Creating simple rhythms helps to create quality time with your family. Even if the actual minutes are not different the connection is immense.  

In the book Simplicity Parenting Kim John Payne goes into great detail simple ways to declutter family life and connect more fully with your children. 

It really helps with our household and gives me calmer kids and more alone time for me to restore and indulge in selfcare. Some people focus on sleep as the guidepost for rhythm, others food. Keep it simple and take the pressure off. 

I have always had fairly regular rhythms with my children since birth. My friends sometimes joke that I’m obsessed with my kids’ sleep times. 

When we’re not in school our daily rhythm looks something like this: 

6:00 twins cuddle with mom, 6:30 yoga or dance party with mom, candle light breakfast, 8:30 baby naps - twins play outside, 10:30 baby wakes - all snack, all go out to play or a non stressful outing (we love art beast), 12:00 balanced lunch, 12:30 all kids (and sometimes mom) naps, 2:30 snack, play, 4:30 dinner with dad, 5:00 candle light baths, 5:30 baby sleeps, 6:00 twins bedtime routine with dad, 6:30 twins sleep 

Every family’s rhythm will look a bit different. This schedule works with our very young boys and is a lifesaver as we journey through conscious uncoupling (divorce). Our kids know what to expect. This looks a little different when school is involved but not much. Even when both parents are at work our child care providers have a copy of their rhythm and know how important it is to us. We limit activities too. Their brains need lots of cuddles, connection and unstructured play until about 7 year’s old. 

To your greatness!! 

Love, 

R 

4 Step Plan to Lessen the Homework Tug of War

Do you have a school aged child in your home? Does that child go to school? Does that school give homework? If you answered yes to all three of these questions I bet it's safe to assume there are some Homework Wars going on between you and your child. 

My colleague, Mercedes Samudio a parent coach and social worker in Southern California and owner of The Parenting Skill wrote an ebook about this just thing: . 

Step 1: Pinpointing the root of the problem. 

Don’t make assumptions really explore the possible triggers and causes. In the book The Homework Wars: Strategies to Finally Win the Homework Battle Samudio notes “the homework battle is seldom about the actual school work and more about the issues that lay beneath”. 

Some helpful questions to ponder: 

• Is there a learning disability getting in the way? 
• Is your child typically developing? 
• What social or emotional barriers could be in the way? 
• Are you too involved in? Or not involved enough?  
• If age appropriate - if your kid's doing homework it's probably age appropriate - consider your involvement level, what would it look like to back off a little (or for some of us a lot)? 
• Is your babe over-scheduled or tired?  
• What’s the homework environment like (TV on in the background, really bright lights, too dark, etc.)? 
• What’s the energy or stress level like for everyone involved? Including you (especially you)?    

Step 2: Your relationship with your child is more important than homework. 

I understand that this may not be a popular opinion. But I stand by it. I know you want to best for your baby. And absolutely good study habits and work ethic will take your love far. However, letting your child learn to fail and instilling the fact that you are there to love and support them through anything will take you sweetie farther. Sometimes when we give up control the thing we were trying to control changes naturally. 

Step 3: Get support

You don’t have to do this alone. We were not meant to parent alone. Reach out and get support. You are not the only one facing this issue there are many parents struggling and looking for community. 

Step 4: Make it fun

Once you’ve considered the first 3 steps and your relationship is in tact you’ll be much better equipped to take on homework again. Loosen up and have some fun. “Eating the frog” is always more enjoyable when we’re having fun. 

I know this is a complex issue and you may have many layers wrapped up in the outcome, such as your own childhood issues or community reputation. Try to stay unattached to the outcome and enjoy the journey. Your darling is only young for such a short time. There’s a lovely book that I always reset to when I’m feeling overly attached to outcome, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching by William Martin.

Throw Up, Sleep Depravation & Parent Guilt

I just need some fucking sleep. 

I was about to type an excuse for why I just cursed there. Because "good" child therapist don't curse. We only use professional clinical language at all times. Not me. I curse and for the most part leave the shame and guilt in the trash. I'd rather you get a sense of the real authentic me here, so I don't surprise you in a therapy session. This blog is meant for moms and dads and I know that you most likely curse because being a parent is hard. Strong language for heavy issues. But.... I digress. 

My kids have all been taking turns with a 12 hour stomach virus. It's been fantastic. The first night I was up with one of my twins helping him to the bathroom at every cough or "my tummy hurts". He was like a little drunk dude in between heaving he would cry out "whhhyyyy is this happening to me??!?!?!??!" then when he was finished he'd stumble to the sink and I'd carry him back to bed. There's something so sweet about helping out precious vulnerable babes though hard times.

The next morning I was spent. I ran on a low gear drinking copious amounts of coffee and watching PJ MASKS with my recovering sick kid. The other twin and innocent baby bystanders got to reap the benefits of their sick brother. There's not a lot of screen time in our house so they turn into zombies when there is. 

The following morning when I see kids and parents in my Sacramento office started off like any morning and there was no signs of sickness. Yay! I went to work and seen my morning round of clients. Went to Zuda Yoga and then home to visit with my babies before my evening round was to start.

The other twin started his turn of this sad virus. My mom, who doesn't do well with vomit had a haunting look on her face. Another round of bathroom visits and large bowls near by and pedialyte pops. This twin is not so dramatic and more on the independent stoic side but still needed mommy cuddles. Their father came to tag me out so I could return to work and he could connect with them. 

I return when everyone's sleeping. Finally peace and quiet and back on track for my precious sleep cycle. NOPE. I check on the baby and you already know what his crib smelled like. I wake him up clean everything and lull him back to sleep. He's up every 20 minutes or so for the remainder of the night. Goodbye sleep. The next morning I can't even function. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. And sista, I have TV again. Because it works. I feed everyone give the crib sheets a wash and put baby down for a nap. I take a nap with him and my twins are left to their shenanigans building forts and making a weird landfill in my kitchen. 

Through it all I choose to see greatness. I don't accept the guilt. Yup, my kids watched WAY to much TV. But, I also was able to care for them in a loving way helping them feel safe and loved. I was able to get a little sleep that is a benefit for everyone. My kids made a huge mess, but kept relatively quiet while letting me sleep and they had a lot of fun too. 

This long winded post is to show some of my parenting vulnerabilities and areas where parent guilt creep up. Try and not be so hard on your self. You're doing a wonderful job! Even on the "worst" days if you look hard enough you can see greatness piercing through because it's always there. 

To your greatness!

Love,

R           

Are all Sacramento kids great? A child therapist explains

Are all kids great?

The short answer, yes. 

Not convinced? Fine, I'll explain further. I guess it makes sense since you're here. Most parents find me and my Sacramento Child Therapy practice when they're in distress. When their kids are making not great choices or when their behaviors on the surface don't appear great.

All behaviors (yes, all...even yours) are a cry for love and connection. Small humans learned to survive evolutionarily by attaching to their caregivers. That attachment is affirmed when your child (us too) feels safe and loved. Children's brains are also a bit different from yours and mine. They are still developing their prefrontal cortex. 

The prefrontal cortex is the front part of our brain underneath our foreheads and continues to develop until our mid-twenties. This part of our brain helps us with executive functioning, self-regulation, and self-awareness. In other words this part of our brain helps us keep our shit together. 

Sometimes we loose our shit and our kids do too. This doesn't take away our inner wealth or inherent greatness. But it is a time when we can help teach our children and ourselves how to regulate and watch out for warning signs in the future. For more awesome brain development information and kick-ass parenting tips check out pretty much anything by Dan Siegel. 

A really great children's book that will connect you and your child plus provide lots of reminders of their greatness is To Your Greatness by Catherine Stafford and Howard Glasser. 

What are some other ways to shift your perspective and find greatness - especially when things are not great? I'd love to hear your greatness detective skills. Email me at renee@parenthoodprep.com 

If you're feeling like you'd like some professional greatness detective work give me a call and we can brainstorm together 916-572-7623

To your greatness!

Love, 

R