I just need some fucking sleep.
I was about to type an excuse for why I just cursed there. Because "good" child therapist don't curse. We only use professional clinical language at all times. Not me. I curse and for the most part leave the shame and guilt in the trash. I'd rather you get a sense of the real authentic me here, so I don't surprise you in a therapy session. This blog is meant for moms and dads and I know that you most likely curse because being a parent is hard. Strong language for heavy issues. But.... I digress.
My kids have all been taking turns with a 12 hour stomach virus. It's been fantastic. The first night I was up with one of my twins helping him to the bathroom at every cough or "my tummy hurts". He was like a little drunk dude in between heaving he would cry out "whhhyyyy is this happening to me??!?!?!??!" then when he was finished he'd stumble to the sink and I'd carry him back to bed. There's something so sweet about helping out precious vulnerable babes though hard times.
The next morning I was spent. I ran on a low gear drinking copious amounts of coffee and watching PJ MASKS with my recovering sick kid. The other twin and innocent baby bystanders got to reap the benefits of their sick brother. There's not a lot of screen time in our house so they turn into zombies when there is.
The following morning when I see kids and parents in my Sacramento office started off like any morning and there was no signs of sickness. Yay! I went to work and seen my morning round of clients. Went to Zuda Yoga and then home to visit with my babies before my evening round was to start.
The other twin started his turn of this sad virus. My mom, who doesn't do well with vomit had a haunting look on her face. Another round of bathroom visits and large bowls near by and pedialyte pops. This twin is not so dramatic and more on the independent stoic side but still needed mommy cuddles. Their father came to tag me out so I could return to work and he could connect with them.
I return when everyone's sleeping. Finally peace and quiet and back on track for my precious sleep cycle. NOPE. I check on the baby and you already know what his crib smelled like. I wake him up clean everything and lull him back to sleep. He's up every 20 minutes or so for the remainder of the night. Goodbye sleep. The next morning I can't even function. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. And sista, I have TV again. Because it works. I feed everyone give the crib sheets a wash and put baby down for a nap. I take a nap with him and my twins are left to their shenanigans building forts and making a weird landfill in my kitchen.
Through it all I choose to see greatness. I don't accept the guilt. Yup, my kids watched WAY to much TV. But, I also was able to care for them in a loving way helping them feel safe and loved. I was able to get a little sleep that is a benefit for everyone. My kids made a huge mess, but kept relatively quiet while letting me sleep and they had a lot of fun too.
This long winded post is to show some of my parenting vulnerabilities and areas where parent guilt creep up. Try and not be so hard on your self. You're doing a wonderful job! Even on the "worst" days if you look hard enough you can see greatness piercing through because it's always there.
To your greatness!